11.07.2010

Can I go to Neverland?

How pathetic am I? I am sitting on my bed at home now just crying. Crying because I miss everything. I miss living at home. I miss having a best friend. I miss not having to worry about everything. I miss having a great roommate family. I miss last year's roommates. I miss my life. :(

I am trying so hard to be positive...I really am. Reading some of my posts lately probably makes you think I'm a depressed person, but I'm trying so hard. But I just really miss everything soooooo much. I hate all the changes going on in my life right now and I wish they would just stop. I know that it's all supposed to "work out," but that is really hard to see right now when everything decided to change it's course. I feel like my life is like a train right now and this is the conversation the "conductor" and I are having:

Conductor: "Ok kiki, it's time to get this train moving on a completely new track up a steep mountain, and it's going to be going pretty fast. And you already gave me your ticket, so you're stuck on here and you'll just have to trust me that I know the right way to your destination."

Me: "Um wait, what? NO, not cool, Mr. Conductor. Couldn't we have slowed or stopped the train for at least a little while, or gone through a tunnel at the bottom of the mountain? Or just taken everything one thing at a time?"

Conductor: "Well yes, maybe we could have but don't you want to get to the really good stuff quicker? If we go up this side of the mountain, there will beauties and amazing things that you've never dreamed of on the other side. Whereas if we just go through the bottom, you'll miss it all. And I'm just trying to get you there sooner by doing everything at once and not stopping."

Me: "How do I even know I can trust you? What if you're just lying about all the good stuff on the other side of the mountain?"

Conductor: "You'll just have to believe me. Besides, has this been an awful train ride thus far? I think there have been some pretty sweet things you've seen right after the hard stuff. I'm taking you along the right tracks so you can see the best views, even if we have to go through some pretty crappy ones to get there first. And really, it's not like you have much of a choice. It's to late to turn back and we're already more than halfway up the mountain. If you get out of the train and leave me, you'll fall. You have a chance if you stay with me. And remember? I'm the conductor, you're the passenger. I've been through all of this before and I have way more experience in this stuff than you do. You have to trust me."

Me: "Humph...yeah you have a point. There obviously is nothing else to do but trust you right now I guess. Keep driving. And let me know when we get to the other side of the mountain for the good stuff."

Conductor: "Don't worry, I won't need to tell you, you'll know. And you'll realize all this stuff was worth it. I promise. Now just sit back and let me take care of you. I'll get you to where you need to go and I promise you'll be hugging me with gratitude by the end."

Maybe that was cheesy...but I'm pretty sure that's how the conversation would go. :) That actually cheered me up immensely, which is good. It helps to think of these things in more realistic terms.. And I guess I'll just have to keep riding this train and hope that the conductor isn't lying when he says there's something really great just waiting on the other side. After all, I really have no choice but to trust him.

I guess one thing I'm just super scared of is growing up...I don't know how to be an adult and that's scary. Being a kid was easy and natural...so what does it mean to be an adult?

In the meantime, two songs that I can really relate to right now are "Stop This Train" by John Mayer and "Wheel of the World" by Carrie Underwood. I put the youtube videos below...music is always very therapeutic for me. :)






P.S. My Recapturing Beauty days are now updated so scroll down to look at them! I especially really like Day 10, so be sure to read that one. :)

2 comments:

  1. Kailee I loved this alot! I so hope everything works out for you in the long run!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Kailee I ache for you. I hope you feel my prayers. I loved reading this, I think it is perfect, very well said. It does feel better to get things out on paper (or well, computer).

    ReplyDelete

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