2.27.2013

Growing Up...Feeling Young

I don't know what is with me lately, but I keep forgetting my age. I was looking at some random girl's pictures on facebook (she went to my high school or something...you know how somehow facebook eventually gets you creeping on people you've never even seen in real life?) and saw she was 22 and immediately thought, "oh wow, she's way older than me," and then two seconds later I was like, facepalm, I'm 21. And then yesterday I was thinking about the months and how I'm almost to my half-birthday in april and thought, "man, I'm almost half-way done with my 20th year!" Facepalm once again when I remembered my real age. Does this ever happen to you? I feel like I'm not actually old enough to be 21. Or to be even in my 20s.

It's a strange thing to now be older than the age my mom was when she got married. I just feel so insanely young. Marriage is something my parents and my grandparents have, something that people 20+ years older than me have, not something I have right now at my age (whatever age I think that might be haha). And yet, I open facebook every day to find another invite to give my address for a wedding invitation or to see someone else posting an album of their wedding pictures.

Some people I know now have babies and it literally is mind-blowing to me to think that they are beginning a life like my parents did when they had me, because I'm the oldest. They're having kids.

Life is moving by in milliseconds now when it used to just go by in seconds. [Sidenote: my high school calculus teacher actually has a very good theory of why time goes by faster when we get older. I'm not sure how well I could explain it on here, but if you ever want to hear it, just ask me next time you see me in person (or comment and I'll reply if we never see each other in person)] Days become months, and months become years (that is proven above with my inability to even keep up with how old I am).

Sophomore year of college probably rings in my "Top 3 Hardest Times of My Life." I was dealing with some really really hard stuff, my best friend stopped speaking to me, and I didn't really have any close friends to hang out with. Maybe it sounds like petty stuff to you, but it was a time when I spent most nights crying in my pillow because the tears just came and I couldn't stop them. I found the song "Stop This Train" by John Mayer and I'd just play it on repeat, listening to it over and over, because I understood those lyrics more than anyone else ever could have. Now, whenever that song comes up as I listen to music, my mind associates it with that time in my life.


I wanted nothing more than to stop my train. I just wanted life to take a quick break, just stop and give me a breather so that I could catch up with it. Unfortunately, we never get that luxury. No matter how many times I listened to that song, life went on, and eventually life did get better. It always does.

Sometimes now, I still wish I could stop the train, not always because life is hard, but just because I feel like it's moving too fast. I see myself becoming 21 when I only feel like I'm 17. I go home every once in a while to see my littlest sister losing more teeth and being able to read more words. The girls I've roomed with for over two years now (it feels like it's been much longer than that) are getting married and graduating, and now I wish I had more time with them.

I suppose that as life moves on, and as our trains get quicker every day and every year, we too become faster. We deal with more things and we get stronger and faster so that we can always stay on speed with the train. It's never going to slow down and we're never going to get younger, but maybe that's okay.

Life has already given me a plethora of things to deal with, good and bad, and I'm only 21 years old. I feel younger than that. More will come in my (hopefully) many more years of life, and I'm excited to see what it brings. I only hope that I'll be able to enjoy it before it passes by too quickly.

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