5.21.2013

Sticky Stuff

When I wrote my eating disorder story on here, I wasn't exactly sure what reaction I'd get--from everyone else, but more importantly, myself. It was a strange mix of emotions that I felt afterwards. The day of was definitely the most emotional. I was scared, a little excited, anxious, and nervous all at the same time. It was maybe the most vulnerable I have ever felt in my life and the next few days after were difficult because of that vulnerability. It's hard to explain the emotions I felt that week when I posted my story, but I cried a lot. I was very very emotional. I was also so exposed that I felt like I was on this high and could talk about absolutely anything. I wanted everyone to ask me questions and talk to me about it. Obviously not everyone did so, which was okay and totally, but in retrospect made me feel all the more vulnerable.

Maybe like two weeks after, I kind of regretted it. I was shocked at myself and I couldn't really believe what I had done. I wanted so badly to take it back. Coming back to something that had been so intense in my life triggered me and I found myself wanting to sink back into behaviors a little bit, which was something I hadn't felt for a while. I guess it's a little bit ironic when you think about it, because I had shared my biggest secret with everyone, which was really really hard. And when life gets hard, I tend to want to fall back into my eating disorder. So without meaning to or trying to, sharing my eating disorder story triggered my eating disorder behaviors. Sharing my story also kept me strong though, and reminded me what I had worked for and what I wanted for myself. So thankfully I didn't go back, even though there were some days when I really wanted to.

Now my emotions have "sobered up," I guess you could say, and I feel like, emotionally, life has gone back to normal. It almost feels like I never really shared my story because I don't talk about it very much. After all, it was only one post and was published almost three months ago. I don't regret posting it though, because it was something I'd wanted to do for a long time. It helped others and it really helped me too, to move forward into a more honest and open stage of my life. It still scares me to talk about it though. I get a pit in my stomach when I think people might ask me about it, or I get really scared when people say they read my blog, because it means they might know. And maybe that's just part of my life, but maybe not.

I knew when I posted my story that this blog was not going to become an eating disorder blog. I didn't want that and I was pretty sure none of my readers would want that either. So for these two and a half months, I haven't written about anything ed-related. It's hard keeping the right balance. I want to talk about these issues and stand up for body image and against eating disorders, but I don't want to become this crazy feminist where that's all I talk about, so then I get worried and write nothing about it.

I hope it's okay with you, but I think I'm going to write about it more. Obviously not every day, and not even every week. Just like once a month at the most, or whenever I feel like I need to write something. Writing for me is therapeutic and writing things that I know people are reading helps even more. It'll be a way for me to get more used to talking about it. I also realized that if I want to help people with this, writing one thing about it helps once, but then it gets tossed back into the archives and only gets read every once in a while. If I want to share my story with more people, then I have to keep writing about it and keep moving forward, as hard or as scary as that might be.

Wow, this post was actually meant to be about something different and was definitely not supposed to be this long. Feel free to skip any eating disorder related-posts if that's not what you come here to read. But I hope that you will read them, to know more about it--for yourself and for others around you. I write these things definitely for myself, but also so so much for the people that read them, in the hopes that the words I write will help someone.

Anyways, thank you for reading this scatterbrain of a post. :)

P.S. If you are a new follower or are just passing by and wondering what in the world this post is about, you can read the story of my eating disorder here for much further clarification.

1 comment:

  1. Kailee! I nominated you for a fun blogging award! Check it out on my page. You're the best!
    blanchard life

    ReplyDelete

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