9.20.2012

Frustrated

This week, I've been really frustrated with myself. Honestly, it's been one of those weeks. Not that it's been bad or that I'm unhappy. I'm not (unhappy, that is), but I feel like I've just been messing up a ton.

For one, the nail-biting thing totally crash landed. I bit every single one of my nails this week down to the point where there are no nails left to bite. Two days ago I bit my thumbnail so bad that I could barely go to sleep because it hurt and right as I type it is still hurting.

Another is that I haven't done very well in school. I've skipped a few classes and I haven't done all my homework and I just really haven't done well at all. The thing is that for some reason, school is really hard for me. It didn't used to be, because obviously in high school I got good grades or I wouldn't have gotten into BYU. I even graduated high school with an Associate's Degree in hand. But for a while since I've been in college, I have a lot of trouble concentrating or I get really distracted so that when an idea gets in my head or I need to do something, I feel like I have to do it right away, and it messes me up with school and stuff. It's like I know what my priorities should be and what I want them to be, but something in my head changes that all around and I don't always care. My academic counselor suggested I might have problems with anxiety, which would make a lot of sense but also kind of scares me. I can't believe I'm even writing this right now because I hardly ever tell these things to people.

I haven't been eating or sleeping right. I've been staying up until like 1 or 2 (or even sometimes 3) in the morning and then I wake up at 9 or 10 am. And if you're a college student, you know this isn't an ideal sleep schedule. It's not like I'm even awake doing homework, I just stay awake doing stuff, like sketching, or watching tv, or surfing the internet. And I would go to sleep at midnight like a normal person but I just don't feel tired. And then because of this sleep schedule, it throws my eating off. I will be honest and say that keeping healthy and eating three meals a day while in school has been a hard thing for me. The thing is, it's important to me to eat well, it really is. I know how important it is to be healthy. But somehow I just find myself doing other things or messing up my schedule and before you know it, it's three hours past lunchtime and I'm starving.

Ugh, I am just so mad at myself because I don't want to be doing any of these things at all, and yet here I am doing them. I don't want to bite my nails until they hurt but in one day they were all short like I had never even been growing them out. The thing is that I am trying so hard, and yet I keep messing up. I just want my life to be normal like everyone else's seems to be. I would like to be kissed or have a boyfriend before I turn 21 because right now I just feel like some alien and I am so so sick of being single while everyone around me gets to fall in love and start families.

I'm really sorry you had to read my venting. These aren't the type of posts you really look forward to reading on a blog. I guess I wrote this because I just needed somewhere to let it out, someone to talk to, and this blog was the first place I came to. I don't know what is going on with my life right now and I am just so so frustrated.
(sigh. deep breath.)
Ok I think I'm going to go to bed. If you read thisthanks for listening.

8 comments:

  1. I don't know you, but besides the biting your nails bit, this sounds exactly like my life. (Actually, the part about BYU being hard made me feel a little bit better since sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who struggles with school here haha.) You're not alone I promise! But I'm sure things will start looking up soon, just keep your head up. :)

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    1. Thanks for your comment. It made me feel worlds better. It's nice to know that there are other people out there who are dealing with the same things you are! Especially here at BYU, because it always seems like everyone's fine. thank you :)

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  2. Have you tried that clear nail polish that tastes horrible? I used it and it stopped me because that taste would stay in my mouth forever.

    Don't get stressed about the whole marriage thing. I almost got married at your age and a few years after the fact, the person I almost married didn't even fit what I was looking for in a guy. I really changed after college! It still is a scary thought to think about what if we really got married?! I'm so very happily married now (28 and hub is 34), and we are old enough to beast school and spend all our evenings together and not studying. Not saying that getting married younger is bad, but I just want to let you know I have felt the same and now I am so grateful for how things worked out. The Lord has a plan for you and it may seem unfair, but one day the pieces will fit perfectly in your mind. :]

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    1. "beast" = be out of

      Dang auto correct. lol

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    2. Thanks so much! Your comment helped me a lot. I like hearing your story because that's totally how I feel right now and its good to hear of it working out fine. thanks, you are so nice!! (and you and your hubby are cute together :))

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  3. I feel like you just described how I feel about my life right now, pretty much spot on. I totally understand how it's easy to look at everyone else getting good grades and being prepared for class everyday and think that you are the only one struggling. There's a girl in my French class who is prepared every day, having done the readings and taken notes and she contributes to the discussions. I on the other hand struggle to keep up and am not ever nearly as prepared, which just makes me feel stupid (though I know that is not her intent for me to feel like that). For me, I guess life just keeps on being hard most of the time, but sometimes I just need to stop and think about what's bothering me, why it is bothering me, and tell myself to remember to breath and that it's not the end of the world and these things won't last forever. It also helps to remember that I don't know everyone's story and that they are all human just like me. Maybe they are struggling too, but just with something different. And then it helps to make some time to do something really calming (like going to the temple or reading scriptures or going for a walk) and then make some "you" time to do something fun where you're not thinking too much or stressing too much.
    I don't know if this helped at all, but I just wanted to share my thoughts.

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  4. oh! this sounds like me a few years back when i was at university. i was struggling away and it always seems like everyone else is just so confident. i'm pretty sure they aren't, but they're not really going to let on are they?!
    my mumsie always says that you don't know what is just around the corner. at times it feels like you haven't been around a corner in forever but it will eventually come. and when you meet a nice guy you will know yourself so much better for these awful, awkward, frustrating moments. hang in there!!

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  5. Even those who look like they have it together in college may be struggling. I too was someone who excelled in high school and found myself skipping classes in college and sliding by with lower grades. As I got older and found out who I was more, this changed. It's part of the journey. Don't stress so much on yourself to be perfect, you're learning who you are. Takes practice. ;)

    As for the love thing. You may not feel it now but you are SO young (I am 38). Enjoy the women in your life right now. Embrace those relationships you create and create your stories with them. The women friends I met, lived with and laughed with in college are still my dearest friends and my rocks. My love story came later. And he is my first love (I never really dated in HS or college) and I couldn't be more grateful for that.

    Embrace where you are right now. I am so thankful looking back that I gave myself that time in college to focus on me and allowed myself to be selfish in the ways of figuring out who I was and what I wanted. You may never get that chance to be so present in your journey again.

    xo

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