This week, I've been really frustrated with myself. Honestly, it's been one of those weeks. Not that it's been bad or that I'm unhappy. I'm not (unhappy, that is), but I feel like I've just been messing up a ton.
For one, the nail-biting thing totally crash landed. I bit every single one of my nails this week down to the point where there are no nails left to bite. Two days ago I bit my thumbnail so bad that I could barely go to sleep because it hurt and right as I type it is still hurting.
Another is that I haven't done very well in school. I've skipped a few classes and I haven't done all my homework and I just really haven't done well at all. The thing is that for some reason, school is really hard for me. It didn't used to be, because obviously in high school I got good grades or I wouldn't have gotten into BYU. I even graduated high school with an Associate's Degree in hand. But for a while since I've been in college, I have a lot of trouble concentrating or I get really distracted so that when an idea gets in my head or I need to do something, I feel like I have to do it right away, and it messes me up with school and stuff. It's like I know what my priorities should be and what I want them to be, but something in my head changes that all around and I don't always care. My academic counselor suggested I might have problems with anxiety, which would make a lot of sense but also kind of scares me. I can't believe I'm even writing this right now because I hardly ever tell these things to people.
I haven't been eating or sleeping right. I've been staying up until like 1 or 2 (or even sometimes 3) in the morning and then I wake up at 9 or 10 am. And if you're a college student, you know this isn't an ideal sleep schedule. It's not like I'm even awake doing homework, I just stay awake doing stuff, like sketching, or watching tv, or surfing the internet. And I would go to sleep at midnight like a normal person but I just don't feel tired. And then because of this sleep schedule, it throws my eating off. I will be honest and say that keeping healthy and eating three meals a day while in school has been a hard thing for me. The thing is, it's important to me to eat well, it really is. I know how important it is to be healthy. But somehow I just find myself doing other things or messing up my schedule and before you know it, it's three hours past lunchtime and I'm starving.
Ugh, I am just so mad at myself because I don't want to be doing any of these things at all, and yet here I am doing them. I don't want to bite my nails until they hurt but in one day they were all short like I had never even been growing them out. The thing is that I am trying so hard, and yet I keep messing up. I just want my life to be normal like everyone else's seems to be. I would like to be kissed or have a boyfriend before I turn 21 because right now I just feel like some alien and I am so so sick of being single while everyone around me gets to fall in love and start families.
I'm really sorry you had to read my venting. These aren't the type of posts you really look forward to reading on a blog. I guess I wrote this because I just needed somewhere to let it out, someone to talk to, and this blog was the first place I came to. I don't know what is going on with my life right now and I am just so so frustrated.
(sigh. deep breath.)
Ok I think I'm going to go to bed. If you read this—thanks for listening.