Forgetting

It is so easy to forget certain things. It's easy to forget how they made us feel, how they hurt us, or how they warmed our hearts. We forget, and then we think we're fine. We let go of people, of hobbies, like we are emotionless robots.. It was easy for me to let go of the piano, for instance. I came to school and there was no piano around and no time for me to play, so I let myself forget. I stopped practicing, I stopped caring about the thing that used to be a major part of my life, something that could always make me feel better and happy.

But we forget how it is even easier to remember. One touch, one sound can send us reeling back into emotion. We see a room and memories come swirling into our minds and it all comes back to us. One photo reminds us the way we felt when we were with a person, the way it feels without them now. I got a calling in my ward to be the choir piano player, and because the songs seem to be really difficult, I have to practice multiple times a week to get it right...today I finally remembered what it was like to really play. To love the music that came from those keys. I played for two hours because I couldn't stop my fingers from moving, from remembering.

Why is it so easy to forget sometimes, but then even easier to remember? Why do we have to go through all the pain of letting go only to have memories come swirling back at us at unexpected and unwanted moments in time? Why do we have to remember when sometimes all we want to do is forget?

The piano is one thing I'm glad I remembered, one thing I'm happy I couldn't let go of. But there are other memories that all I want to do is push to the back of my mind and never remember again. Sometimes though, the pain will never leave. It's a part of us, it makes us who we are...broken, unique, loving, and individual human beings. And when I remember that, I hope with all my heart that even though sometimes I wish I can, that I'll never forget the things, as painful or as hard as they may be or once were, that make me, me.

How to Fix a Heart

We as humans are so broken. We have scars and scratches and wrinkles all over the outside of our bodies and the insides of our souls.

If we could see the soul of heart, we see hundreds of little pieces shattered, painstakingly put back together with whatever glue or thread we have left. Small little cracks and crevices would be all over it, some impossible to repair.

Once we're broken, it's difficult not to break others. We push people out because we're afraid to trust them--they can fix us but we take the risk of breaking even more, if it's possible. We yell and cry and fight and all it does is hurt us and them. We starve ourselves or drug ourselves to numb the pain, to try and make everything better and happier, but really we're just putting it off. Once it comes back, the pain comes full force, like an unwelcome firework in our chest.

One day, when the last piece shatters, when the last tear falls, we stop breaking others. Because to break others you have to break yourself a little bit too. And then comes the repair, for us and for others. We fix and glue and tape everything back together with sorries, kisses, tears, words, and hugs. We trust, we love, we forgive. We stop expecting people to break us. We let them in.

Eventually, each piece of the heart seems to mend itself with every hug, any gentle touch. Once the heart is mended, we're whole again. The cracks and crevices are still there, but they don't hurt us anymore, because the synchronicity of our heart is more powerful than any of those small cracks. We can fix the ones we once broke, and we can fix the ones who fixed us.

We love, we grow.

How Far Will You Go?

If you lived in Panem and were eligible for the Hunger Games, who would you volunteer yourself for? Katniss loved Prim with all her heart and she did everything in her absolute power to keep Prim's name from being drawn. And yet, the name was still drawn, and Katniss went one step further by volunteering for her sister. Can you imagine?

Katniss knew what she was volunteering for--she'd watched the games, seen kids her own age go compete in them and die. She's seen how brutally horrible the games are, how some tributes die a slow death, tortured by the careers, and how some die quickly before they even realize what's happening. She sees Haymitch, the town drunk and the only still surviving District 12 victor who has no loved ones and who spends his days drinking, trying to forget the nightmares he experienced in the games. Katniss sees and knows all of this, yet when Prim's name is drawn, she doesn't even question yelling out, "I volunteer! I volunteer as tribute." Every single time I see that part in the trailer, I get chills. Every single time.

How far would you go for someone you love? Who could you love so much that you would be willing to volunteer your life into the Hunger Games for? It'd be a huge price to pay, going into that arena, with the odds in your favor of dying. Who, if their name were drawn from the bowl, would cause you to not even think twice and yell, "I volunteer! I volunteer as tribute."

Welcome to College

Welcome to college. It's the place for you!

There's a school for everyone (I chose BYU).

Classrooms, hallways, and buildings galore,

They probably even have a bookstore.

There's parties and freedom with lots of late nights,

Just make sure you have some hours of sleeping tight.

You get here, excited to start anew

Even more excited to leave mom's vegetable stew.

Unpacking and decorating your room, it's all so great!

Hopefully you get some nice roommates...

Saying goodbye to mom and dad

Will probably make you a teeny bit sad.

The first week is filled with job-hunting, new teachers,

Lots of syllabi, and cheering your football team from the bleachers.

You dance like crazy and make plenty of new friends,

It's all fun games until it all ends.

Then it becomes....

Boring classes, three tests in a week;

Camping out in the library, forget about sleep.

Teachers are piling on homework and reading,

It’s a miracle if you can make time for eating.

Awake all night trying to study for a test

Only to take it the next day and get a D-minus.

10-page paper due one day, a presentation the next,

The realization comes—you’re taking way too many subjects!

The happy campus you thought you once knew,

Becomes a place crazier than the zoo.

Too many girls on diets, trying to avoid the "Freshman 15,"

"I quit," becomes some students' new routine.

There are couples all over, dotting the grounds,

When single people see them, their smiles turn to frowns.

The first snowfall comes: you get slush in your shoes

And make a resolve to buy some rain boots.

You get so homesick missing your parents,

These bills coming in make you scared to pay rent.

Students get creative, taking naps any place they can find,

A bench, a chair, the floor, anywhere to recline.

Going to great lengths to keep yourself alive,

And as the end of the semester nears, you think you might just survive!

Finals come and go and before you know it, you’re done!

It’s probably okay to have some fun.

And so…

The parties return, excitement is bursting.

No more worrying about a grade that is hurting.

You think to yourself, “Now that wasn’t so bad,

Next semester will be cake compared to that!”

And so in your ignorance you go online,

To register for classes at least one more time.

Welcome to college, it’s a little bit wild,

It’s exciting and scary, leaving life behind as a child.

Just know that one day, when you are old and gray,

You’ll look back on these times, smile, and think, “I loved those days.”

Some Writing on a Wednesday

Since I learned how to read at age 4, I have loved books. I've probably read almost every young adult book in that section of the library and I've read a lot of the children's chapter books and such too. Huge reader. I don't get to read as much now unfortunately, because life gets busy, but I have a lot of books on my ipod touch so whenever I get the chance, I'm most definitely reading something. That love of reading carried on and I developed a love of writing. For a while I wanted to be an author or an editor for a publishing company and that's why I was an English major. Then I realized that I loved fashion a lot more and that it would be a better path for me than English.

However, I still love to write (hence the blog) and I write little snippets of fiction and non-fiction that no one sees and are in word documents. I came across this piece of flash fiction that I wrote back in junior year of high school in Honors English. So I'm going to go out on a limb and share it on here...hope you like it and even if you don't, I was in high school....enough said. ;)

Today

He’s holding a rifle in his hands, this strange man. I thought I knew him, but I don’t, not anymore. He’s mad because I didn’t take the eggs from the chicken coop like he asked me to. But I didn’t want to and now he’s gone crazy. This happens to him a lot, with his anger on fire; he can never control it. I’m running behind the barn as he comes looking for me. I’m breathing hard but at the same time I’m not breathing at all.

            “Come out, boy!” he snarls in his gruff voice. “Come out where I can see you. Don’t be a chicken.” He growls at the air around him, hoping I’m somewhere in it. This isn’t the same man I knew yesterday.Yesterday, when I came home from school and he pulled me into a huge bear hug. Yesterday, when we would play in mud puddles after the fresh rain had fallen. Yesterday, when he’d carry me on his shoulders up high and carry me around the house like a cowboy on his horse.

But yesterday’s gone because today he is a different man.Today he punches me in the face if I’m late leaving for school. Today he swears at me and says he wishes he’d never had a son like me.Today, he’s holding a rifle ready to kill me. I’m so young, but today I’m old. I can hear his footsteps coming closer and closer. I sneak around to the other side of the barn and run inside. The chickens are in here, clucking away as they see me. Don’t they know what’s going on?Chickens need to learn how to be quiet sometimes. Suddenly I hear the gigantic barn door slam, and I realize I forgot to close it. I turn around.

“Gotcha,” he says grinning. Yesterday, I was eating pancakes for breakfast; today, the last thing I see is his glaring face as I hear the shot fire and everything goes black.

I'm such a Fashionista ;)

So I started another blog (don't worry, I'll still be updating this one regularly)! One of my goals for this school year is to wear a different outfit every school day and make sure it's super cute ha. So I made a blog to record my progress! I would love for you to check it out because I'll be posting every day. Click this link to go to it:

An Outfit a Day Keeps the Fashion Police Away

In other news..school started today! This semester I'm taking 12.5 credits..but don't let the numbers fool you--I'm gonna be reading and writing SO much! Weirdly enough, I'm already a Senior (18 years old and a Senior in college, probably the youngest Senior at BYU haha) so I'm really getting into my major classes. I'm taking 4 english classes (2 of which are 300-level!) for my major and one jazz dance class for fun, because dance is such a huge love in my life. :) Today I had Modern American Usage, Later British Authors-with a focus on Jane Austen and Henry James, and Early British Literary History.

Haha, yep I'm an English nerd, because I'm super excited for all of these classes! They will be a lot of work, especially with reading and writing. I wasn't too excited for Early Brit Lit at first because it's not literature I'm interested in and it's just a required class, but I really like the teacher because she said a lot of people don't want to take that class so she tries to make it fun by giving us a lot of options for writing assignments, letting us work in groups, and doing fun stuff (like coloring in class and possibly going on a fieldtrip to see a Shakespeare play!). It will be a hands on class so now I'm super excited! Tomorrow I have Creative Writing and Jazz Dance. I'm even more excited for those classes! Tuesdays and Thursdays will for sure be my fun days. So wish me luck for the rest of the semester. I hope I do well!! :)