New Normals

I have always been a hater of change. I can think of multiple situations--my family moving when I was thirteen, friends getting married when I wasn't ready for them to be, taking an unwanted break from school, and moving home again after six years of not living there. Obviously..life changes. It ebbs and flows and we adjust to it as we need to. We HAVE to adjust to it, because sometimes there is nothing else we can do, even if adjusting means going through coping mechanisms that may or may not be unhealthy.

My life this past year has been a conglomeration of change, more so than usual. I finished school, I left Provo, and moved home, my sister left on a mission, and I spent four months out of the year performing in Savior of the World three nights a week. These changes were something I got used to, and were, for the most part, welcome. Those first few months of living at home were very chill and consisted of editing videos, hanging out with my family, cleaning my room, and doing a few face painting jobs here and there. Then in December I went from doing (let's face it) basically nothing every day to getting a full-time job at the church in less than a 24-hour period. And then my flexible life changed into a 9-5 job where I suddenly started making money, got a car, and started living a stable life I have never truly lived before.

Let me say this, stability is amazing. I can fully attest to that, because ever since I left home to go to college, my life was nothing but stable. It was VERY emotional, my environment of living places and friends/roommates constantly changed, I lived paycheck to paycheck, I loved school and struggled in it at the same time, for various reasons, and for the most part, I lived a pretty normal college life (aka it was crazy). So now, after being in a full-time job for exactly six months as of yesterday, the stability I currently have is amazing. Regardless of that all though, I'll definitely say that the first month-ish of it all was a huge adjustment for me.

And now, after experiencing much stability and normality, my life has begun to get crazy once again. Crazy in a very good and exciting way, but crazy nonetheless. Crazy can be the only word to describe everything suddenly picking up in momentum all at the same time.

Two months ago, when my Freshman roommate Chelsey asked me to be a part of the production team for a new web series she was producing called The Cate Morland Chronicles, I jumped at the chance. She and the other producer/my now co-director Amanda warned me multiple times that this was going to be a BIG commitment and I eagerly said yes to everything. I definitely didn't realize what I was getting myself into, and I'm glad I didn't, because I might have said no, and then I wouldn't be having the amazing experience I now get to be a part of.

My weeks have now consisted of casting, planning, and prepping for LONG 12-hour shoots on Saturdays and sometimes Sundays. I get to work with some very talented and fun people, and every day I'm either ready to die of happiness or die of overworking myself (sometimes at the same time). I realize it sounds insane, but we've just started, and I'm already having some of the most fun I've ever had.

With new stress comes new territory and I am trying to learn how to navigate through this "crazy" new normal of mine. My anxiety levels have been pretty low for the past little while, but since all this has started, they've gone through the roof. With anxiety, for me at least, come panic attacks, lack of sleep, headaches, and a constant nauseous stomach. Because of this, I am definitely not eating as much as I should, and because of that, along with everything else on top of it, it shouldn't be a surprise to me that I've been getting triggered much more than usual.

Being triggered brings on a huge amount of fear for me. Most people don't know this, but two years ago I relapsed...very terribly...back into my eating disorder. This relapse was not one I'd want to repeat, and I know. I KNOW that if I relapse again, it will be much worse and much more difficult to get out of. It's definitely not something I'd want to do, and I'm also not sure it's something I could do again. Which then puts me in the situation of...I basically CANNOT relapse. Or else.. As I realized this yesterday, it brought on a full-blown panic attack, something I have been able to avoid for almost a year until last night. Nothing scares me more than my eating disorder, as much as I hate to say it.

However, I am not going to stop living my life or stop doing the things I love, even with the threat of my biggest fear in my face. A comforting thought came into my mind this morning, of something one of my friends and I talked about two years ago. That my life is not always going to be the same, and throughout it, I'm going to have to continue to re-learn how to be recovered from my eating disorder in different situations. Two years ago, learning that meant I needed to relapse. Two years later, learning it again means I can't relapse. It was a comforting thought, because even though I have never experienced this particular situation in my life yet, I have the tools I need to re-adjust and continue to live a happy and healthy life. It will just take some getting used to at first. It's also helpful to remember that even though it may seem like a HUGE thing, but its really just all in my head and I am the one in control. (cue Carrie Underwoods song "So Small")

Although I've always been a hater of change, I'm trying to be less so. Because while change does mean people and things I love leaving my life, it also means different, and sometimes even better people and things I love entering it. So with a cautious little fist bump I go into the fray saying "yay change!" (and then go hide in my bed)

Ch-ch-Changes

Quick! I need to blog before the day ends.

I've been busy all day with going to the International Summerfest in Bountiful, looking for a bridesmaid's dress to wear at my friend Alyne's wedding, and then going to Alyne's bridal shower tonight.

And now here I am.

I have been loving this blogging every day thing actually. It's a little consistency in my life that makes me very happy.

As I belted my heart out to songs from musicals on the way from Provo tonight, I also got some thinking done in my head...

an hour can feel like such a long drive sometimes.

I say fireworks going off in Pleasant Grove and I was reminded of my friend Amy's post as I thought, "If this isn't nice, I don't know what is."

I'm really really happy with my life right now.

I have changed so much in the past few months, past summer, past year. 

But it's a good change. Because I'm just becoming a more enhanced version of myself. A better version.

I find my style evolving from super girly and always trying to look perfect to a more casual, relaxed, and more me look of t-shirts and shorts, my grasshopper shoes worn daily, and everything more simpler.

I sing louder in church and I sing along more in the car--when I'm with people and when I'm alone. I'm trying not to be afraid of my voice.

I'm also trying not to be afraid of what I want to do, which really can be quite scary. More and more I have the words coming out of my mouth telling people I want to design clothes, and instead of the disturbed looks or the "you'll never be able to make it," I expect, I get admiration or a "that's really cool."

It's really amazing when you start to realize that people don't think negatively of you or even think of you as much as you train yourself to imagine.

Oh and of course I've stopped biting my nails, which, in short, means I am not relying on one of my coping mechanisms anymore.

These changes seem so small and minute, but they are steps, and every step up gets me closer to the top, which is where I think we're all trying to reach. And together, they do create big changes. I feel like a more different person every day, although it's really just me becoming more me and accepting myself a little more every day.

Who knows, maybe someday I will make huge changes, like sharing my deepest and darkest secrets here on this blog (I know, I know, you definitely want to read about those, right? Kidding.) because I don't want to care about what people think of me.
We'll see. :)
Either way, I'm content right now. I have an awesome family and amazing friends. There isn't much more a girl can ask for, right?? (Well, maybe a boyfriend....okay okay kidding! Sort of.)
Night :)

Change

The end is near. I'm leaving Provo on Wednesday, then my roommates, some other friends, and I are going to the Grand Canyon on a road trip from Thursday to Sunday, then it's Harry Potter world and a Disney cruise with my family from Tuesday to Monday, then it's a week at home, and then the second week of May I take off for Boston.

I want to say that I'm so totally psyched to be going to Boston, and I know that will come, but right now I'm just feeling incredibly scared. It's been a week full of goodbyes with my roommates, best friends, and people who I've come to know and love in this place I now call home.

Change is hard. It always is. When my family moved when I was fourteen it was hard. I found myself crying in my bed the night we moved, so scared and feeling so lonely. But I got through it and good things came from the move. I'd never change how it happened because of all of the people I met because of it and how much I love where we live now. Change was hard when I came to college. My parents dropped me off in the Wilkinson Center and as I gave them goodbye hugs and watched them turn the corner, the tears couldn't help but come. But college turned out to be great and the best thing that could have happened for me in my life at that time. When I moved apartment complexes last year, getting different roommates and moving wards, I knew it was for the best, but I got there and my first night in my now apartment, I cried. But that might have been one of the best changes I ever made, because I got the most amazing roommates I ever could have and the best ward. And right now as I sit in my bed, my second to last night in this bedroom, the tears slide down my cheeks. Because change awaits, and in my life, change generates tears.

Change isn't a bad thing, it's just a hard thing, and it really is okay that I cry over it. The tears mean that I'm leaving something I care about, something that was the best thing for me at that time in my life. And the change means that it's time to move on, because something else will be better for me at the time coming up.

I promise I'm not ungrateful, and I know it's probably going to be one of the greatest summers ever. Right now though, I'm just going to let the tears come. Out of fear of the unknown and the pain of leaving the ones I love.

It'll be okay. :)

My roommates and I this past Sunday. I love this picture, and I love these girls even more. :)

One Girl

Have you heard of the Girl Effect? Watch this video first.



Did you know...

...that today, more than 600 million girls live in the developing world.

...that more than one-quarter of the population in Asia, Latin America, the Caribbean, and sub-Saharan Africa are girls and young women ages 10 to 24.


...that approximately one-quarter of girls in developing countries are not in school.
...that one girl in seven in developing countries marries before age 15.
...that one-quarter to one-half of girls in developing countries become mothers before age 18; 14 million girls aged 15 to 19 give birth in developing countries each year.
...that a survey in India found that girls who married before age 18 were twice as likely to report being beaten, slapped, or threatened by their husbands as were girls who married later.
...and that 75 percent of 15- to 24-year-olds living with HIV in Africa are female, up from 62 percent in 2001.
 [source here]

Yeah.

So this is the girl effect. The first time I watched that video, I was first kind of shocked to realize what goes on in other countries and these places and how bad it is. And then I was even more shocked to realize that the solution really could be so simple. Just a 12 year-old girl.

I feel like I, as an American girl, as a student, as blogger, as a girl who is living a productive and healthy life, and as a girl with so many resources, need to make a difference. When I watch videos like these, I don't want to just sit around deciding my outfit for tomorrow. I don't want to look at magazines or runway shows or design clothes. Because as much as I love doing those things, I have a responsibility to make a difference and spread the word.

So I'm sharing this with you and I hope you'll blog about it too. We need the world to know about this because it's important! We can make a difference!

And how can we make a difference? You might be wondering. Well first, you can blog about this. You can share one of the videos from here on facebook or twitter. You can donate money, because even a little bit helps. Girls get less than 2 cents of every dollar! How much do you get paid at your job? You can talk about this with other people or give presentations as well. There is so much you can do!

I think the thing that really gets to me the most with this is the fact that the twelve year-old girl in the video could have been me. She is just like me, she was just born in a different situation. I'm so blessed to be where I am and I want to bless a twelve year-old girl's life as well. Who's with me? Let the Girl Effect run wild!!

Go to girleffect.org for more information. I'm linking up here, so if you want to join the Girl Effect blogging campaign, please write a blog post about it, link up, share, and read others' posts! :)