Frustrated

This week, I've been really frustrated with myself. Honestly, it's been one of those weeks. Not that it's been bad or that I'm unhappy. I'm not (unhappy, that is), but I feel like I've just been messing up a ton.

For one, the nail-biting thing totally crash landed. I bit every single one of my nails this week down to the point where there are no nails left to bite. Two days ago I bit my thumbnail so bad that I could barely go to sleep because it hurt and right as I type it is still hurting.

Another is that I haven't done very well in school. I've skipped a few classes and I haven't done all my homework and I just really haven't done well at all. The thing is that for some reason, school is really hard for me. It didn't used to be, because obviously in high school I got good grades or I wouldn't have gotten into BYU. I even graduated high school with an Associate's Degree in hand. But for a while since I've been in college, I have a lot of trouble concentrating or I get really distracted so that when an idea gets in my head or I need to do something, I feel like I have to do it right away, and it messes me up with school and stuff. It's like I know what my priorities should be and what I want them to be, but something in my head changes that all around and I don't always care. My academic counselor suggested I might have problems with anxiety, which would make a lot of sense but also kind of scares me. I can't believe I'm even writing this right now because I hardly ever tell these things to people.

I haven't been eating or sleeping right. I've been staying up until like 1 or 2 (or even sometimes 3) in the morning and then I wake up at 9 or 10 am. And if you're a college student, you know this isn't an ideal sleep schedule. It's not like I'm even awake doing homework, I just stay awake doing stuff, like sketching, or watching tv, or surfing the internet. And I would go to sleep at midnight like a normal person but I just don't feel tired. And then because of this sleep schedule, it throws my eating off. I will be honest and say that keeping healthy and eating three meals a day while in school has been a hard thing for me. The thing is, it's important to me to eat well, it really is. I know how important it is to be healthy. But somehow I just find myself doing other things or messing up my schedule and before you know it, it's three hours past lunchtime and I'm starving.

Ugh, I am just so mad at myself because I don't want to be doing any of these things at all, and yet here I am doing them. I don't want to bite my nails until they hurt but in one day they were all short like I had never even been growing them out. The thing is that I am trying so hard, and yet I keep messing up. I just want my life to be normal like everyone else's seems to be. I would like to be kissed or have a boyfriend before I turn 21 because right now I just feel like some alien and I am so so sick of being single while everyone around me gets to fall in love and start families.

I'm really sorry you had to read my venting. These aren't the type of posts you really look forward to reading on a blog. I guess I wrote this because I just needed somewhere to let it out, someone to talk to, and this blog was the first place I came to. I don't know what is going on with my life right now and I am just so so frustrated.
(sigh. deep breath.)
Ok I think I'm going to go to bed. If you read this—thanks for listening.

Not Cool

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Sooo today, I was at this ward party thing which was all lots of fun. Well I was talking to a bunch of guys in my ward and somehow this question from one of the guys came up that just made me incredibly mad. He asked, "If you had to choose between a wife who had cheated on you once but then repented and never did again and a wife who gained 100 pounds within the first year of marriage and could never lose it back, which  one would you choose?"

Holy cow that question sent me into a fury. How could someone even ask that question (and if you are reading this, you know who you are and I don't care if you're reading this because it made me mad and I want you to know that)?! That is practically like saying cheating on your spouse and gaining 100 pounds are equal, which they are not equal at ALL. I just can't even put into words right now how angry this made me, and don't you worry, I told those boys how awful they were and I argued with them. I spoke up because I did not want to deal with that crap. And then I just walked away because it made me sooo angry. It especially made me mad when the guy who asked the question said his answer changed from day to day. Wow. It made me SO MAD.

So a message to every guy out there in the world: You have no idea how much your comments can sometimes hurt girls. We girls are very insecure and very body conscious. And it's partially because there are pigs like you out there. If you have the audacity to ask a question like that and even sit there and answer it, then I hope someone cheats on you because you deserve it. That sounds harsh, but if you love someone, you love them no matter what. Whether they weigh 120 pounds or 300, it shouldn't matter to you. And if it does, well then you definitely do not deserve that beautiful and special girl. Every single girl in this world is beautiful and they do not have to look like a model or stay looking like a model to achieve that. Some girls act like gaining weight is the end of the world sometimes (me included) but you cannot make fun of us for that if you are going to act like if it's the end of the world to you too. It's not all your fault, but girls think this way because they are trying to impress you, and if you care about something as utterly pointless as weight, then I hope you stay single for the rest of your life.

I don't care if this post offends anyone or makes someone mad, because I am furious. I HATE it when boys talk about caring about weight and compare it something as awful as cheating on your spouse. I refuse to marry a boy that cares about what I weigh. I will not take it and I hope other girls out there won't take it either. I know there are great guys out there who are wonderful about those things and I hope I meet one soon. Because wow. So mad and just seriously appalled.

[P.S. I did make the shirt and it's my favorite. That is completely irrelevant but I just had to point that out because it was a happy part of my day--in case you haven't guessed, the above story was NOT a happy part of my day. Just saying.]